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SURVIVOR OUTLOOK: 'That shows what hopelessness really feels like'

1/24/2016

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Jonathan Wesener and his parents, Angela and Steve

"Survivor Outlook" shares the voices of survivors of suicide loss whose experiences with grief and recovery have been reported in the news. To learn more about the survivors quoted, follow the links to the complete stories. Learn how you can suggest a story.


"I call his name, three times, by the steps, and I didn't heard anything, and that's when I went downstairs. The TV was off and -- that's how I found my son. He was gone. It is a horrible feeling when you hold your child's hand, and you can't do anything to save them." Angela Wesener, mother of Jonathan Wesener, 16, who died by suicide in May. (Appleton Post-Crescent, Wisconsin)

"We all have the most innate desire to survive. Thats our core need on the planet is to live, and when someone gets to the point that they take their own life ... that shows what hopelessness really feels like." Ganel-Lyn Condie, Lehi, Utah, sister of Meggan Killough, who died by suicide in 2014 at age 40 (Seth Adam Smith's "Keep Moving Forward" blog)

"At times it feels like forever. At times it feels like just yesterday." Shelley Davies, Alberta, Canada, whose son Keenan died by suicide in 2014 at age 22. (EMS World)


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SURVIVOR OUTLOOK: 'There is no nice neat explanation'

12/21/2015

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André Parker, center, in blue sweatshirt, died by suicide in 2012 at age 19.
"Survivor Outlook" shares the voices of survivors of suicide loss whose experiences with grief and recovery have been reported in the news. To learn more about the survivors quoted, follow the links to the complete stories. Learn how you can suggest a story.

"Murderers can at least be questioned, but a suicide is a murder in which the killer is also the victim: in which the reason, the motive, dies with the act." Jeremy Gavron, son of Hannah Gavron, who died by suicide in 1965 at age 29 (The Guardian, U.K. -- also see A Woman on the Edge of Time)

"Connor, Will [Trautwein], Robin Williams -- they died of an illness, just as people die of cancer and heart disease ... It is common. It is treatable. It is curable. And it is ok. The stigma needs to go away. People need to talk about it." Erin Ball, mother of Connor, who died by suicide in 2011 when was 14 (WMUR, Manchester, N.H.)

"Suicide grief is so complicated. It's a very physical pain. It affects every cell in your body." Grace Young, mother of Jack Young Jr., who died by suicide in 2007 at age 27. (Hartford Courant, Conn.)


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ENIGMATIC NATURE OF SUICIDE MAY ANSWER THE QUESTION "WHY?" 

12/2/2015

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A recently posted essay (you may download it here) argues that some aspects of suicide are inexplicable and suggests that if survivors of suicide loss who are struggling with the question "Why?" can embrace "the element of mystery as being as real as any other aspect of what [suicide] is all about," they might increase their "understanding and peace of mind by some measure."

Here are some of the observations that I claim "illustrate vital components of suicide that make this self-directed fatal act seem inexplicable":

  • Suicide requires the person who dies to overcome the innate human will to live, which is genetically designed to be a powerful and even invincible force.
  • Suicidal people, in almost every instance, are ambivalent about killing themselves -- so their behavior leading up to their death can be starkly contradictory because actions driven by the fact that they want to die occur side-by-side with actions motivated by the fact that they want to live.
  • Before the person died, internal factors existed -- and perhaps also some external circumstances -- that only he or she knew about.
  • In the end, the only person who is eligible to say firsthand why a particular suicide happened is the person who died by suicide in that instance.

The essay lists versions of these conundrums in the form of personalized questions that I hope lead people bereaved by suicide who are bedeviled by the "why" of it to a story of their own about what happened -- a story "based on who you knew the person to be (and who the person in essence still is, in relation to you)."

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SURVIVOR OUTLOOK: "You don't ever want people to forget"

7/5/2015

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"Survivor Outlook" shares the voices of survivors of suicide loss whose experiences with grief and recovery have been reported in the news. To learn more about the survivors quoted, follow the links to the complete stories. Learn how you can suggest a story.

"I just wanted a way to remember him. As a mom, that's something you don't ever want people to forget, to forget who he was" (Lori Christianson, Fruit Heights, Utah -- whose 24-year-old son died by suicide in January -- referring to the "Brake the Cycle" event that is dedicated to him).

"It's helping me let Christopher's legacy live on, and it could possibly help save another teenager's life or another parent the grief ... That's what keeps me going every day" (Janet Sutton, Killeen, Texas -- whose 14-year-old son died by suicide in April 2014 -- commenting on the new peer support group she helped start).


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SURVIVOR OUTLOOK: "They don't see the pain they'll be inflicting"

5/1/2014

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"Survivor Outlook" shares the words of survivors of suicide loss whose experiences with grief and recovery have been reported in the news. To learn more about the survivors quoted, follow the links to the complete stories. Also, learn how to suggest a story.

"I have to believe the state of depression ... is so dark and gloomy and like a tunnel vision that they really don't think or see beyond that. They don't see the pain they'll be inflicting." Janine Harris, Sioux Falls, SD, lost her 20-year-old daughter, Nicole, to suicide in 2005.

"That's the terrible thing about suicide, is there's no closure." Marie Osmond, Provo, UT, lost her 18-year-old son, Michael, to suicide in 2010.

"All I remember of her is in a soft blue dress, sealed away in a stiff coffin. Her absence has marked my life ever since -- from the comforting of my cousin in the missingness of her mother to the haunting images of her death." Leslie Lamb, who blogs at lesliealamb.com, lost her aunt (who was pregnant when she died) to suicide when Leslie was four years old.

"There was nothing I wouldn't have done or given to see you happy and at peace ... Your presence is very, very missed. Every day something happens where you should be there, and you're not." Cherrie Cran, at a support group meeting in Brisbane, Australia, speaking as if to her son Bede, who died by suicide at age 19.

"You're left with so many questions, the whys and the hows, and why didn't he call me?" Danna McGill, Washington state, lost her best friend to suicide in 2008.


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SURVIVOR OUTLOOK: "Your death is the burden to us, not your life"

3/19/2014

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"Survivor Outlook" shares the words of survivors of suicide loss whose experiences with grief and recovery have been reported in the news. To learn more about the survivors quoted, follow the links to the complete stories. Also, learn how to suggest a story.

"If you are reading this ... and you are struggling to survive ... do not stop fighting, not only for yourself, but for your parents, children, siblings and friends. None of our lives are better without you ... Your death is the burden to us, not your life." Diane Morrison, Port Caledonia, Nova Scotia, lost her 21-year-old brother to suicide three years ago.

"Every time he's in my dream, he's a little boy, and I'm not sure what that means -- except that Jeffrey will always be my little boy." Steve Boczenowski, Groton, Mass., lost his 21-year-old son to suicide in 2009. (Learn about the foundation created by Steve and his wife, Deb.)

"I have been shocked by some subtle and not-so-subtle comments indicating that perhaps I should be ready to 'move on.'" Kay Warren, California, lost her son Matthew, 27, to suicide almost a year ago. (Kay and her husband, Pastor Rick Warren, are hosts of the Mental Health and the Church Summit later this month.)

"He was the greatest kid in the world, but he would get into these panic spells and deep abysses ... He was wired different than the rest of us." Tommy John, New Jersey, lost his son, Taylor, 28, to suicide in 2010. (Learn about Tommy John's Let's Do It Foundation.)


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SURVIVOR OUTLOOK: 'When they say there are no words, there are no words.'

2/15/2014

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"Survivor Outlook" shares the voices of survivors of suicide loss whose experiences with grief and recovery have been reported in the news. To learn more about the survivors quoted, follow the links to the complete stories. Learn how to suggest a story.

"I'm still trying to process Karen's loss, and move forward ... and now [another student has died by suicide]. I'm numb. When they say there are no words, there are no words." Lila McCain, Massachusetts, lost her daughter, Karen, a high school senior, to suicide last fall.

"In my made-up version of the story, he didn't fake it. He got the zombie virus and did what he had to do to save us all. That's just easier to face than the real-life zombies of the plague that is depression." Mortbane's Miscellany blogger, who lost her father to suicide five-and-a-half years ago.

"It was very hard to take. Back then there was a huge stigma attached to mental illness, and it compounded my mother's grief that nobody would even mention James's name afterwards." Liam Brazil, County Waterford, Ireland, lost his brother, James, 35, to suicide 25 years ago.

"I spent most of my days in a daydream state of mind, believing that every time I saw a shadow or a figure that resembled my son, he would be back home to be with his mum soon." Annie Mitchell, Scotland, lost her son, "Finlay," 26, to suicide in 2000 (see her book Holding Back the Tears).


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READERS INVITED TO SUGGEST STORIES FOR 'GRIEF AFTER SUICIDE'

1/27/2014

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There is now a way for readers to suggest stories they'd like to see covered in posts on Grief after Suicide. To make a suggestion, it takes only a moment to complete this submission form, which can also be accessed from the "Suggest a Story" tab at the top of the website.

The form asks for the title and Internet address of the story you'd like to see shared, and if it is accepted, a short post will be written about the story and published on Grief after Suicide. Suggested stories need to be of interest to survivors of suicide loss, of course. Please avoid recommending a story about a recent suicide, and also steer clear of any that are marketing products or services (or that are proselytizing).

Here are examples of the kinds of stories that are of interest:
  • This story from Medium, an online magazine, was shared in this post on Grief after Suicide
  • This Atlantic story was shared in this post.
  • This story from a blog on Psychology Today was shared in this post.
There is also an interest in stories for Grief after Suicide's "Survivor Outlook" feature, which highlights quoted remarks from survivors of suicide loss. Here's an example of "Survivor Outlook," which illustrates the types of stories and quotes that are featured.
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SURVIVOR OUTLOOK: "I can feel him around me, but I miss him desperately"

10/6/2013

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"Survivor Outlook" (formerly "Survivor Showcase") is a regular feature of the Grief after Suicide blog that highlights quotes from survivors of suicide loss whose experiences with grief and recovery have been reported in the news. To learn more about the survivors quoted, follow the links to the complete stories.

• Edith Young, Hendersonville, N.C., lost her son, Timothy John "T.J." Brown Jr., 20, to suicide in 2012: "I can feel him around me, but I miss him desperately."
• Chuck Lewis, Ronan, Mont., lost a fellow Marine, Cpl. Greg Avila, 22, to suicide in 2012: "Do you see anybody else doing it? Somebody has to step up" (see walkingforthefallen.com).
• Virginia Blanke, Mandeville, La., lost her son, Ricky, 16, to suicide in 1991: "I don't know how anyone else does it ... I only know how I lived. It was a lot of grace from God and a lot of people who loved me."
• Diane Marseglia, Bucks County, Penn., lost her daughter, Becky, 16, to suicide in 2005: "I can honestly tell you it was like a village," said Marseglia [about her support group]. "I felt like I lived there because the people all lost someone to suicide, they knew exactly how I felt."

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SURVIVOR SHOWCASE 09-03-13: PERSONAL NEWS ON GRIEF AND RECOVERY

9/3/2013

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"Survivor Showcase" is a monthly feature of the Grief after Suicide blog that highlights the personal stories of survivors of suicide loss (and other bereaved people) whose experiences with grief and recovery have been reported in the news.

The mother of a 25-year-old veteran who died by suicide has submitted a petition on the White House website stating "I buried my son yesterday because he could not get the help he so desperately needed" -- and asking for increased care for soldiers with PTSD. According to the deceased veteran's wife, Laci Baker,
"If somebody is reaching out to them with post-traumatic [stress disorder], that is not something that can be shoved to the back burner. Obviously in this situation it was a life or death situation. It was too much to deal with."
NFL star Dave Duerson's brother Michael added his voice to the discussion about the NFL's recent settlement for concussion-related brain injuries. Dave Duerson died by suicide in 2011, at the age of 50. Michael works with local young people through the Dave Duerson Athletic Safety Fund to improve safety in the game of football:
"It's been an effective way for me to deal with my grief, by working diligently to make sure that lightning doesn't strike twice in another family the way it has in ours," Michael explained.
Tregg Duerson, the football player's son, was honored with the LOSS (Loving Outreach to Survivors of Suicide) 2013 Charles T. Rubey Award this spring in Chicago, where he said,
"I loved my father ... I always cherish all the moments I had with him, and I miss him each and every day."

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