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SURVIVOR OUTLOOK: 'There is no nice neat explanation'

12/21/2015

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André Parker, center, in blue sweatshirt, died by suicide in 2012 at age 19.
"Survivor Outlook" shares the voices of survivors of suicide loss whose experiences with grief and recovery have been reported in the news. To learn more about the survivors quoted, follow the links to the complete stories. Learn how you can suggest a story.

"Murderers can at least be questioned, but a suicide is a murder in which the killer is also the victim: in which the reason, the motive, dies with the act." Jeremy Gavron, son of Hannah Gavron, who died by suicide in 1965 at age 29 (The Guardian, U.K. -- also see A Woman on the Edge of Time)

"Connor, Will [Trautwein], Robin Williams -- they died of an illness, just as people die of cancer and heart disease ... It is common. It is treatable. It is curable. And it is ok. The stigma needs to go away. People need to talk about it." Erin Ball, mother of Connor, who died by suicide in 2011 when was 14 (WMUR, Manchester, N.H.)

"Suicide grief is so complicated. It's a very physical pain. It affects every cell in your body." Grace Young, mother of Jack Young Jr., who died by suicide in 2007 at age 27. (Hartford Courant, Conn.)


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GRIEF, TRAUMA OF SUICIDE TOUCH PEOPLE NEAR AND FAR FROM THE DECEASED

3/13/2014

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In "Suicide by Train: Shared Tragedies Upend String of Lives," Orange Country Register reporters Keith Sharon and Greg Hardesty have given us an intimate look at the circle of people affected when someone dies by suicide.

The story -- of a middle-aged man's suicide on a stretch of track in Southern California -- gives voice to those bereaved and shocked and debilitated by the death, the man's wife and friends, a passer-by who witnessed the suicide, train engineers, and a father who faced an irony too horrible for him to comprehend or assimilate.

It is a story that should be read from beginning to end without much of a hint about its details, so I'll share only a glimpse of the man's widow and his father:
"As I was driving in the rain to the hotel [after being told of the suicide], my first thought was that this is more than I will ever be able to handle," she said. "I contemplated slamming my car into the light pole ahead."
A year later, she has taken up "public speaking, going to high schools and anyone who would listen to her talk about mental health and how to handle depression." She reports, though, that her husband's father "has never been the same":
He's fallen twice in recent months, and he was unable to continue tending to his goats, so he sold the farm. He cut off his phone service.
"Sold the farm": What an awful but apt description of bottomless grief.

This story about suicide by train illustrates the long reach of suicide's aftermath in all cases, showing how deeply it touches even those one might not expect, an ex-girlfriend who relapses on alcohol and a stranger who needs trauma therapy -- people who come face-to-face with victims in their final moments. Suicide, we are reminded, wounds people near and far from the center of a deceased person's life, as tragedy reverberates outward from the scene of a person's death.
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STORY OF 'SUICIDE SHATTERS' FOUNDER A REMINDER: WE ARE NOT ALONE

2/13/2014

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I know Barb Hildebrand both for her thoughtful posts on the American Association of Suicidology listserv (a members-only community) and for the abundant and helpful content on her "Suicide Shatters" Facebook page (which I invite everyone who might be interested to follow).

Describing her mission on Facebook, she writes:
I am a passionate advocate for suicide prevention and mental illness since losing my late husband, Rob, to suicide Dec. 2000. I've had a lot of time to learn, accept, forgive, heal and move forward and feel so strongly that this is my purpose, to take my own experience, share with others and help them on their journey of recovery.
I got to know Barb even better when I recently encountered her story in a post she wrote for the Grief Toolbox about her experience as a survivor, in which she gives us a dozen valuable insights about coping with grief and shares in a most helpful way how her healing unfolded over time.

She believes a key force in her recovery has been forgiveness, which she says has freed her from painful emotions that were "consuming me and destroying me":
Forgiveness is ... not necessarily done for someone else, it is done for you, so that you can begin to heal whatever is holding you back. I have ... learned that forgiveness for yourself is best done first ... I have since forgiven myself many times for things I have done that most definitely contributed to how my life turned out. Each time I do, more and more is released ... and I [recognize] my anger [has] slowly dwindled away.
During the 15 years I've been involved in suicide grief support and prevention, I've known many fellow survivors of suicide loss "from a distance" and then either met them face-to-face or, as was the case with Barb, "met them" more intimately online. These connections stand out to me as a precious reward for doing this work -- and more importantly, as a vital reminder that we are not alone.
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COLUMNIST OFFERS HEARTFELT REPLY TO 'LET ME KNOW WHAT I CAN DO'

2/5/2014

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Debra Leibowitz has been writing her Miami Herald "Beach Buzz" column for 15 years, keeping folks up-to-date on community miscellany, everything from new stores in town to good deeds done by the citizenry. It's not front-page news, but it's the first thing people read to find out what's going on in the neighborhood.

Leibowitz's perennially upbeat column this week took a tragic turn:
As many of you know, on Dec. 10, my boyfriend, Richard Sharpstein, a well-respected criminal attorney -- and longtime Miami Beach resident -- died as the result of suicide. He was 63.
It is remarkable to me that, even as condolences are finding their way to her -- at a time when, in her words, she has "been paralyzed from grief" -- Leibowitz found the strength to deliver her column and to share her private sorrow with the world. She tells their story ("as fate would have it, we fell in love, almost immediately") and describes her pain ("I am angry he is not here and that he took away a big part of my life -- and future -- without asking"). Then she says something that, to me, is pretty amazing -- and which serves as a wonderful example of a bereaved person saying what she needs.

Here are a few highlights:
• Take a walk with me or invite me to play tennis or attend an event.
• Accept the fact that I cry a lot. I can't help it. I am sad and so many things remind me of Richard.
• Allow me to feel sorry for myself, but not too sorry.
• Don't ask me if I "feel better." I don't have the flu that runs its course in two weeks.
• Be patient with me and keep reaching out, even if I don't reply right away.
I have told many a survivor that it is not our job to "train" people how to be helpful to us, but maybe I should rethink that, for Leibowitz's advice from the heart is a powerful reply to the request the newly bereaved so often hear: "Let me know what I can do ..."
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'LIVE OUT LOUD' WRITER TELLS OF TRANSFORMATION AFTER HUSBAND'S SUICIDE

2/20/2013

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In my recent post about blogs that are written by survivors of suicide loss, I'm sure I missed more than one, and I am very glad that Molly Green's blog Live Out Loud came to my attention.

Molly, whose husband died by suicide in 2010, most recently wrote in "Transformation" about attending the screening of the documentary film Transforming Loss , which features her story, along with the stories of five other bereaved people. According to a story in the Detroit News:

"Transforming Loss" documents the grief journeys of six ... people who, in the face of devastating losses, were able to transform themselves and their pain through helping others ... [Filmmaker Judith] Burdick's vision, which began as a book and evolved into a film, was to provide "an intimate view of grief that would force people to really feel and experience the whole process: from grief to healing to transformation."
Burdick, whose husband died 22 years ago in a scuba diving accident, became a psychotherapist specializing in helping the bereaved. Then she was inspired to write, produce, and direct Transforming Loss to share her discovery that "loss can fuel 'a new energy which feeds the broken parts,'" according to a Detroit Free Press article. That is certainly Molly Green's story, who sees her blog as a part of her healing journey as well as a chance to help others with their grief:
"I feel like I'm the perfect person for people to talk to about this [grief] ... It takes time, but you learn lessons of strength, compassion and acceptance. There is some joy back in my life."

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WIDOW OBSERVES VALENTINE'S DAY HER WAY

2/13/2012

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Here is a quote from "What to Do about Valentine's Day," by Cheryl Eckl, whose husband died of cancer in 2008:

The problem is that it's Valentine's Day weekend—which always brings up the whole idea of love. And, for widowed persons, the question of loving again after loss. Clearly, this is a matter I have avoided because, in surveying my present circumstance, I realize that I have, indeed, replaced my husband—but ... not with a sentient being. These days I spend the majority of my time with my desktop Mac, laptop, iPhone, and soon-to-be-purchased iPad.

Judging from the e-mails I have received from other widows, I suspect I'm not alone in this situation. But this lover's holiday does kind of rub my nose in the fact that there is nobody in my life right now who is going to send me flowers or take me out to a nice romantic dinner. My electronics may be interactive devices but they are neither thoughtful nor proactive when it comes to the most basic of human needs: relationship.

The original article was posted on Feb. 11, 2012 to Cheryl's blog, "A Beautiful Grief," which is hosted by Psychology Today.

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