COLUMNIST OFFERS HEARTFELT REPLY TO 'LET ME KNOW WHAT I CAN DO'

Debra Leibowitz has been writing her Miami Herald "Beach Buzz" column for 15 years, keeping folks up-to-date on community miscellany, everything from new stores in town to good deeds done by the citizenry. It's not front-page news, but it's the first thing people read to find out what's going on in the neighborhood.

Leibowitz's perennially upbeat column this week took a tragic turn:

As many of you know, on Dec. 10, my boyfriend, Richard Sharpstein, a well-respected criminal attorney -- and longtime Miami Beach resident -- died as the result of suicide. He was 63.

It is remarkable to me that, even as condolences are finding their way to her -- at a time when, in her words, she has "been paralyzed from grief" -- Leibowitz found the strength to deliver her column and to share her private sorrow with the world. She tells their story ("as fate would have it, we fell in love, almost immediately") and describes her pain ("I am angry he is not here and that he took away a big part of my life -- and future -- without asking"). Then she says something that, to me, is pretty amazing -- and which serves as a wonderful example of a bereaved person saying what she needs.

Here are a few highlights:

• Take a walk with me or invite me to play tennis or attend an event.
• Accept the fact that I cry a lot. I can't help it. I am sad and so many things remind me of Richard.
• Allow me to feel sorry for myself, but not too sorry.
• Don't ask me if I "feel better." I don't have the flu that runs its course in two weeks.
• Be patient with me and keep reaching out, even if I don't reply right away.

I have told many a survivor that it is not our job to "train" people how to be helpful to us, but maybe I should rethink that, for Leibowitz's advice from the heart is a powerful reply to the request the newly bereaved so often hear: "Let me know what I can do ..."