I applaud attempts by bereaved people to reach out to others and help them with their grief, and this week, I encountered an excellent example of such an endeavor in the Grieving Dads Project. The project was created by Kelly Farley, who was crippled by his grief after the deaths, 18 months apart, of his two very young children (not from suicide):
I didn't want to get out of bed, and for the most part I didn't for about 3 months. All of the pain from the loss of Noah and all of the pain I buried deep inside after the loss of Katie rushed to the surface. I couldn't cope.Kelly's healing came in part from the power of peer support, and he praises some of the qualities of peer helpers:
They were people that didn't judge you or feel uncomfortable when you started to cry while telling them your story. They embraced you and checked in with you on a regular basis. They would take your calls regardless of what they were doing at the time. They provided me compassion, sympathy and hope. They never told me to toughen up and plow through it.The Grieving Dads Project came from a promise Kelly made ...
... to Katie, Noah and myself that once I was strong enough, I would reach out to other dads that have lost a child and help them come to terms with their loss and to help them find their way.
In a June 2012 interview on the I Did Not Know What to Say Blog, Kelly offers these recommendations about supporting men who have lost a child (which, in fact, are great suggestions for helping any bereaved person):
• this blog post from Grief after Suicide.
• Encourage them [if they are ready, supported, and safe] to talk about what they are feeling and thinking (even the really dark stuff).The project's website includes a place where grieving dads can share their own story and information about Kelly's book and the causes he promotes.
• Remind them that they are not alone.
• Let them speak openly about their pain.
• Do not try to solve their problems and be a good listener.
• Encourage them to find support groups for men. These groups could be grief related or a group of men that are all dealing with various life struggles.
• Do not push them through their grief and allow them to tell their stories.
• Allow them the time to process what has happen to them.
• Allow them to turn to or away from their faith as needed.
• If they start to cry, let them, it helps cleanse the soul.
• Let them know you are there for them at anytime of the day, and mean it.
For more information on peer support as it applies to suicide bereavement, please see
• this handout from a Unified Community Solutions presentation on the topic, and• this blog post from Grief after Suicide.
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