SIMPLE LIST OF "64 THINGS" CAPTURES ESSENTIALS OF GRIEF

There are times when a short and simple message delivers insight on a subject better than the most detailed and sophisticated explanation does -- and such is the case with a post on the What's Your Grief? blog, titled "64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief." Litsa Williams, who publishes the blog with Eleanor Haley, has not only identified 64 potentially helpful things to know about grief, she also invites readers to comment on or add to the list, and there is an active discussion unfolding at the end of the post.

Not all of the items on the list would be of value to everyone and not everyone would agree that all of them are "truths" about grief. But I think it's likely worth bereaved people's time to go through the list and judge for themselves what applies to them personally, for doing so affirms that people who grieve have a great deal in common.

As a bonus, some of the items listed are actually hyperlinks that point to additional information on the topic addressed. For instance, "when people offer support, take them up on it" is linked to a post describing a journaling exercise that helps you "map" your support system; and "people will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it" leads to a post about what not to say to a bereaved person.

Here are a handful of the "64 things" that apply to me in ways that I found to be helpful:
• "People will tell you things that aren't true about your grief." Indeed, they will and they do, and I came to realize that I have a choice when that happens: Either tell them what the truth is about my grief; or be silent, letting them do whatever they'd like to do with their point of view and still holding on to my own view.
• "You grieve your past, present, and future with that person." Oh my, yes, all dimensions of time continue to include the presence of the deceased. And the present and the future continue to have a powerful aura of mystery to me, for I cannot know how things might have been different had my loved one not died.
• "You can't compare grief or compare losses, though people will try." This can be a hard lesson in the case of losing someone to trauma, but I've come to see that things are simply different in various circumstances and for various people -- not better or worse or more or less: They're just different, and that's all.
• "Talking isn't the only way to express and process emotions." I've heard it said many times, "you have to talk about it," and I encourage people to talk about their feelings if they want to. But I've come to know that many, many things people do after a loss can be expressions of their feelings, and whether those things are shared with anyone else is sometimes irrelevant.
• "Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad." I found this to be true right from the start and only partly remediable, and especially now that many years have passed, sometimes the only thing I can do with my memories is cherish them myself.
• "The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person." I've come to believe that this is the central feature of grief: The world is a different place, and I am a different person who is navigating his way through that changed world.

Please take a look at Litsa's original post and see which of the "64 things" rings true to you.