It is stories like "Members of a Very Small Club," by Jessica Lamb-Shapiro, that help literally to bring us together as survivors of suicide loss. Jessica's mother died by suicide when she was a toddler, and she shares what it meant to her -- many years later -- to meet for the first time someone else who had been affected by suicide:

Suddenly, here was someone I didn't have to protect from the truth. She understood ... the feeling of being an outsider that comes from not having this very fundamental relationship [with one's mother], and the feeling that you have to lie about it most of the time ... the wish to shield people from the grisly idea of a mother violently abandoning her child, and the paradoxical wish to punish them with the thought.

Many of us have had the experience Jessica describes so wonderfully -- of being uniquely and powerfully understood -- and her story goes a long way toward accomplishing her aspiration of "teaching the world's silent orphans an important lesson about openness and connecting with others."

Indeed, knowing that we are not alone is one of the most healing forces that exists.

Thanks to Joanne Harpel for sharing this story on LinkedIn.

Until mid-December, I'll be writing "FJC On the Road" posts to keep readers up-to-date on my travels and on my reflections about suicide bereavement. FJC

There has been a two-week hiatus in posts on Grief after Suicide because I am on the road, having driven from my home in Watertown, Mass., to Colorado Springs, Colo., for last weekend's TAPS National Military Suicide Survivor Seminar. This is the second year I have attended the TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) event as a trainer of peer helpers on suicide bereavement support group facilitation. I've used the opportunity to refine a facilitation model of my own creation,* called "Peer Sharing Circles."

Peer Sharing Circles are governed by fewer, simpler, and more generally stated "ground rules" (called "Protocols") than those in other mutual-help group approaches. Here are the Protocols:
• I agree to listen attentively and respectfully to the person who is speaking (only one person speaks at a time).
• I agree to talk only about my own experiences and to refer only to my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
• I agree to speak to the whole group (not to just one individual).
• I agree not to judge others, correct others, or give advice to others.
• I agree to keep confidential what is said within the Circle.
• I agree to give the facilitator my attention when he or she asks me to.

The recently published "Pathways to Purpose & Hope" is a comprehensive manual providing expert guidance, pointing to key resources, and sharing practical examples on how to create a community-based organization to support survivors of suicide loss. And the entire manual -- all 100-plus pages of some of the most practical information available on suicide grief support -- is absolutely free to download.

The manual was created by Friends for Survival, one of the oldest survivor-run organizations in the country focused exclusively on suicide grief support (and which publishes the "Comforting Friends" newsletter). Although the manual was designed for a California audience, 95% of it is applicable to any community anywhere in the country, and anyone interested in developing a broad range of survivor services would be wise to add it to their list of prime references.

It begins with this claim:

Survivors need more than a meeting with a couple of sympathetic souls and a box of tissues These guidelines are based on a program designed by 50 survivors over a period of 30 years to provide multiple services to meet the complex needs of survivors in the aftermath of suicide. This guide offers a detailed discussion of the process for creating and sustaining a suicide bereavement support program that is effective, community based and supported by professional resources in the local area.

I encountered a fantastic film that tells the story of surviving suicide loss candidly and informally, covering the subject in-depth and completely, in a way that very few resources I know of accomplish. The film, "Survivors of Suicide Loss,"* offers a profound and intimate viewing experience, and I recommend it highly to anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide and to everyone who offers assistance to people bereaved by suicide.

The film is basically 90 minutes of five survivors sitting in a circle talking, and even though this approach gives it a homemade feel, the impact of what these survivors say collectively and individually is powerful. The participants, Erika, Andrea, Larry, and Chris, and the facilitator, Penny, demonstrate how enlightening and inspiring -- and hopeful -- it can be when survivors get together and speak from the heart.

I am keeping my recommendation brief because the film speaks for itself, but I do want to say one thing about it that is truly exceptional: Although all of the survivors share their story in a very courageous and helpful way, the one man in the circle, Larry, provides an extraordinary counterpoint to the stereotype that bereaved men are "unable to talk about it" or "unable to express their emotions." I mention this not to compare his story to any of the others (which are all superb) but rather to emphasize in my recommendation that viewing this film would be especially helpful to any man bereaved by suicide.

*Knapp, P. (2012). Survivors of suicide loss: Resource DVD. London, Ontario, Canada: MIKO Productions. Available for purchase here (for a donation plus shipping costs).

Between 20 and 30 percent of the bereaved who receive support from the private organization best known for serving those who have lost a military loved one are, in fact, suicide survivors, according to Bonnie Carroll, founder of the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS). In a Huffington Post article, Bonnie writes,

Every day, three to four people contact ... TAPS for the very first time seeking help and support in coping with the death by suicide of a loved one who served in our Armed Forces. They join the more than 4,000 people grieving a death by suicide who are already part of our community of care and support at TAPS.

In fact, TAPS annually conducts the most extensive healing conference in the world exclusively for survivors of suicide loss (this year's conference is Nov. 1-3 in Colorado Springs, Colo.).

Bonnie's husband died in a military aviation accident in 1992, and for two decades, she has been a tireless advocate for the bereaved families of those who serve or have served in the military. TAPS offers a variety of support and professional resources to the bereaved, and it is a pioneer in comprehensive peer support services, including a mentor program that matches a newly bereaved person with a trained peer helper.

We have found that people find healing and comfort in peer support and connecting with others who experience a similar loss.

Last month, Susan Silk and Barry Goldman wrote for the Los Angeles Times a supremely insightful piece about interacting with people in distress, titled "How Not to Say the Wrong Thing." If a person applies their advice to talking to the bereaved, it's about as good as it gets:

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma ... Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma ... Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones ... Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring ... Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

Silk and Goldman call this "The Ring Theory." Its guiding principle is "Comfort IN, dump OUT." That means a person's role is to give comfort and support -- and nothing else -- to anyone in a smaller ring than he or she occupies (here's an illustration). If a person needs to share his or her own worry or distress or debate or criticism (or personal philosophy), that's OK, "just do it to someone in a bigger ring."

While the Ring Theory may require exceptions to the rule, it's a brilliant starting place for orienting oneself before interacting with someone who is bereaved -- and I highly recommend it.

I was on a panel at the American Association of Suicidology (AAS) national conference last week in Austin, Texas, that introduced new guiding principles for Suicide Bereavement Support Groups (SBSG) in the United States. The guiding principles were developed by an AAS work group last year, and have been approved by the AAS board of directors. These guiding principles provide a starting place for the development of best practices for support groups designed to help people who have lost a loved one to suicide cope with their grief.

Work group chairperson Doreen Marshall of Argosy University facilitated the presentation in Austin on Saturday, and she was joined by me and fellow work group member Susan Beaton of Australia's Beyond Blue.* According to Marshall, the work group intended for the principles ...

... to be less prescriptive, easy to implement, and require few resources ... We felt it was ... important to develop guiding principles by which survivors could ... evaluate the groups they were leading and attending in addition to providing some guidance toward best practices.

Beaton, who played a role in the development of Australia's support group standards -- on which the AAS guiding principles are based -- said many lessons are being learned as the field of suicide grief support increasingly focuses on strengthening the effectiveness of support groups and other services. Her aspirations include ...

... further research ... to determine types and modalities of suicide bereavement support related to better client outcomes, ... a national community of practice for SBSG facilitators, ... [and] funding ... for ongoing evaluation.

I presented an experiential workshop for survivors of suicide loss -- titled "Suicide Bereavement: Personal Meanings"¹ -- at the Massachusetts Suicide Prevention Conference last week, and of the 17 people who attended, two identified themselves as clinicians who are survivors of a client's suicide. I am very pleased that they chose to attend, because the definition of "survivor" ought to be broad enough to include anyone who has been deeply affected by a suicide. For many clinicians, a client's death by suicide certainly causes profound grief, and they deserve compassionate support for their bereavement no less than any other "category" of survivor does.

Thankfully, there is a comprehensive resource available for clinicians who lose a client to suicide, the Clinician Survivor Task Force website,² maintained by John McIntosh for the American Association of Suicidology. The task force provides ...

... consultation, support and education to psychotherapists and other mental health professionals to assist them in understanding and responding to their personal/professional loss resulting from the suicide death of a patient/client and/or family member.

Jerry Reed, director of the Suicide Prevention Resource Center, posted to his "Director's Blog" this month an appeal ...

... to expand efforts to encourage and support attempt survivors in bringing their expertise to the struggle against suicide, and their firsthand experience with facing and triumphing over suicide to others at risk through peer support networks.

In making his appeal to strengthen peer support efforts for survivors of suicide attempts (people who have made a suicide attempt but lived), Jerry also pointed to the history of survivors of suicide loss (i.e., people bereaved by suicide) as partners in suicide prevention and as peer helpers caring for others who have lost a loved one to suicide:

Those bereaved by suicide loss ... form an essential and active part of the suicide prevention community. It is difficult to think of a major suicide prevention organization or initiative that does not include persons bereaved by suicide. Those who have lost a loved one to suicide are reaching out and supporting one another in support groups as well as providing support and advocacy for suicide prevention.

I welcome Jerry's enthusiastic focus on the value of peer support to our field -- the value of peer support both in preventing suicide among those who are at risk and in providing assistance to those bereaved after a fatality -- and I said so in a comment to his post, where I wrote,

My favorite definition of peer support suggests that survivors of suicide loss are helpful to one another because we "feel a connection":

This connection, or affiliation, is a deep, holistic understanding based on mutual experience where people are able to "be" with each other without the constraints of traditional (expert/patient) relationships.

In part, I write this blog (and do the other things I do that put me in touch with survivors) because I believe in our connection with one another as a healing force in our grief. In today's post -- to do what I can to widen the circle and hopefully strengthen that connection -- I'd like to identify some other blogs written by survivors. Below are brief descriptions of more than half a dozen blogs from people bereaved by suicide, along with a quote from one of the posts in each blog.

The Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors Blog is a reflection of Ronnie Walkers' commitment to spreading the word about the needs of the suicide bereaved and about the help that's available to meet those needs (Ronnie, AOH's executive director, lost her stepson to suicide). There are several fresh posts by a variety of authors every week on the AOH blog, such as "Learning along the Journey" by Susan Futterman Paroutaud, who writes only six months after the suicide of her husband:

I've learned still more since his death ... that I could have only done what seemed appropriate at the moment, and no more. I could not have controlled him nor would I have wanted to. And I have come to realize that an infinite number of crossroads stretched before the both of us.